


Little Red Striding Hood

by SuccubustyKisses



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-26 20:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuccubustyKisses/pseuds/SuccubustyKisses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humor<br/>John creates his own version of Little Red Riding Hood. Also known as Dave picks a fight with everyone.<br/>Set in the view of someone watching a recording of the play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The screen turns on, the camera adjusts to point to a large red curtain on a stage. The curtain parts slightly and a girl walks out, her hair is well styled in a cute blonde bob pulled back with a purple hairband, she's wearing a pinstripe purple vest with a skull sewn onto the left breast over a white dress shirt and black dress pants with simple maryjane shoes. She takes a deep breath parting her purple painted lips and looks up her shining purple eyes pointing at the camera.

She brought a microphone up to her lips "Welcome to the show! My name is Rose Lalonde I will be your narrator and host this evening in this wonderful rendition of the fairytail classic Little Red Riding Hood written by my dear friend John Egbert! So without further ado let us begin the show!"

Rose smiled brightly again and starts walking with delicate grace towards the left side of the screen. The curtain began opening with her steps in perfect unison the lights brightening slowly with each sure step she takes to show the childishly painted town scenery on stage.

The curtain was opened completely and the lights showing every bright detail of the stage when Rose reached the microphone stand on the corner and carefully placed her microphone into it. She closed her eyes again taking another deep breath before opening them and beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story is SUPPOSED to begin

_Once upon a time there was a small village surrounded by forest and in this village lived a boy that everyone simply called Red._

Muffled arguing can be heard coming from back stage. Rose rolls her eyes.

_and in this village lived a boy that everyone simply called Red._

A boy stumbles onto stage, his skin is so pale he almost glows in the bright lighting and his hair is so light blonde it's almost white. He's wearing a pair of black skinny jeans, a plain red shirt, and red converse shoes with a long red hooded cape with the hood down over top of it all almost touching the ground as he swings around narrowing his red eyes off the stage in a vicious glare.

_Red was a kind boy who cared deeply for_

"Fuck you I didn't agree to this! Give me back my shades!"

Rose turns to narrow her eyes at the boy crossing her arms and giving a very mother like glare. "Dave this is for John you promised you'd help us with this."

"I said I'd make some sick beats! It could have been the most bad ass musical the world had ever seen. Sick beats shaking the audience dragging them into the story with some sweet ass raps being sung by the actors in the play. Man shit would be awesome as hell. Even Barack would want to see that! No one wants to see this. And give me back my shades!" Dave was practically pouting like a child as he crosses his arms glaring at Rose.

"Fine." Rose let out an over dramatic sigh. "We'll just give the part to someone else. I bet Karkat would lo-"

"No way! You can't replace this much swag with that rage-filled midget!" Dave ducks down dodging a shoe that comes flying from the right side of the screen towards the back of his head.

A shorter boy with messy brown hair being held down by a headset comes stomping onto stage. His black turtleneck sweater was slightly too big and made him seem even smaller as he stormed across the screen to stand in front of Dave, only reaching his chin. The two boys eyes connect into matching red glares. "Who the fuck you calling a rage-filled midget!"

Dave smirks down at the boy leaning over until his pale freckled nose is almost touching the other boy's tan button nose. "I only call them as I see them, short stuff. Maybe if you stopped letting out so much rage it'd build up inside of you and help you grow a few feet so you can at least reach the height of a 10 year old girl. Or perhaps you actually like being pocket sized."

Karkat lets out a howl of rage and tackles Dave. The two scuffle on stage a stream of taunts and cuss words filling the air.

Rose lets out an annoyed sigh and walks over to the fighting boys. She moves to stand behind them. "Dave, Karkat. If you do not stop this childish behavior immediately I will be forced to stop it myself."

Both boys stopped fighting, Dave has a fist-full of Karkat's hair in his left hand and Karkat has Dave's right wrist in his mouth. Two pairs of red eyes move to slowly look up at Rose. Dave slowly releases Karkat's hair as Karkat stops biting Dave and inches backwards off of the taller boy. Both boys have the decency to look ashamed.

"Now how about instead of bickering like a bunch of twelve year old girls we act our age, which is sixteen, just in case you may be in need of a reminder."  
Both boys mumble out an apology.

"Good. Then shall we get back to the play without further incident?" Rose purrs.  
Karkat stands up slowly re-adjusting his headset and shuffles across the stage to disappear behind the curtain.

Dave sulks a little just now realizing he's fallen for Rose's trap in accepting the position as Red. "I still want my shades back."

Rose rolls her eyes dramatically and turns to look off-stage at the left side of the screen. "Kanaya dear, I know it's not part of your wonderful costume but can you please give Dave back his shades so he can stop pouting like a child and we can get back to the play?"

A tall girl with perfectly styled black hair to her shoulders wearing a v-neck long sleeved black shirt with slight jade accents in the hemline and matching black pants walks onto the stage. Her makeup is all black and perfectly painted on as she smiles at Rose before turning to scowl down at Dave. "Dave you are ruining my perfect costume. Get off of the floor this instant."

Dave sighs and shoves himself up into standing brushing the dirt off of his costume as he turns to face Kanaya. She shakes her head and holds out a pair of aviator sunglasses.

Dave snatches up the sunglasses and puts them on visibly relaxing as the dark plastic covers his bright red eyes. Kanaya and Rose both give each other a knowing look before Kanaya leans over and places a kiss on Rose's cheek and sashays off stage.

Rose blushes lightly a black lipstick mark now gracing her cheekbone. She smiles and waves off-stage in the direction Kanaya walked off before turning to Dave. "Now can we continue the story Mr. Strider?"

Dave adjusts his cape and grins. "But of course Miss Lalonde."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story ACTUALLY begins.

Rose stands at the microphone again. She takes a calming deep breath before returning to the narration.

_Red was a kind boy who cared deeply for his family and friends._

Dave gives a dramatic sigh.

_One day Red was out getting some fruit for his family and he came across his good friend Jake._

Dave walks across the stage stopping in front of a badly made fruit stand that only had pumpkins stocked in it. The well built boy behind the stand gives a bright toothy grin. He's got black hair styled up in an amusing flip and he's wearing a loose green button up shirt, undone and showing a dusting of hair on his dark tan chest. "Hello Dave!" He swings his arm around in excitement slapping Dave hard on the back knocking his sunglasses off-kilter and taking his breath away for a moment.

After taking a moment to regain his breathing Dave fixes his shades and turns to Jake. "Sup Jake?"

_Jake gave Red a worried look._

Jake continues to grin brightly at Dave. Dave raises an eyebrow. Rose purses her lips.

_Jake gave red a WORRIED look!_

Jake's grin stays plastered on his face. Dave slaps his forehead and elbows Jake in the side. "Dude, you're supposed to be looking worried. Like if you were wandering along and all of a sudden you saw a dragon flying off with your dog. Like if you walked in on your boyfriend macking with your best friend. Like if you tripped and busted your arm and even though the bone was sticking out of the flesh you still weren-"

"Dave I think he gets the point." Rose supplies with an amused smirk.

Jake tries really hard to rein in his smile and look worried. It kinda worked. Rose gives up and continues.

_Red, having such a caring heart, asked his friend what was wrong._

"Dude, sup with you? You look constipated. Need me to watch the stand while you take a dump or something?" Dave grins.

Rose slaps her forehead. Jake looks disgusted and offended. "Dave that is not appropriate conversation for a young adventurer like yourself!"

With her hand still on her forehead Rose continues.

_Jake proceeded to tell Red of his dear sick grandm-_

"Seriously Dave that was not appropriate at all! You should apologize to the audience for that!"

"There is no audience Jake. We're making a Video. The audience is empty. The audience is like your head. The audience is like your bed on a cold winters night because you can't get any. The audience-"

"Boys! Can we please get on with the story!" Rose shakes her head, still in her hand. Jake looks ashamed and scratches his head for a moment before slapping his fist into his palm.

"Ah Yes! I remember where we were! Red, my grandmother has come down with a nasty flu and I'm unable to bring her soup because I have to tend to the fruit stand." Jake grins looking proud at himself for remembering his lines so well.

_Red had to help his friend!_

"Isn't your grandma that hot as lava cougar who lives in the woods like some sort of creeper? Hell yeah man I'll bring her some soup and a little Strider healing too!" Dave waggles his eyebrows and smirks as Jake gives a disgusted look.

_Red took the soup and some medicine from Jake and with a happy wave goodbye and heads for the woods._

Dave takes a basket from Jake and struts off stage. Jake still looks offended as the curtain closes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things get turned around.

Rose smiles brightly. "The next scene will now begin!"

The curtain opens up to badly multi colored trees. They look as if a bunch of elementary school children painted them. Some are even decorated with painted on exclamations of honking and justice. One tree in the center is set up backwards, the stand holding it up visible for the world.

"Um... Karkat." Rose giggles into the microphone. "One of your trees is backwards."

A stream of curse words comes from behind the curtain and a girl with straight blonde shoulder-length hair wearing a bright green shirt and red pants with red sunglasses comes skipping onto stage. She giggles and waves to the camera before grabbing one of the trees that was in fact facing the RIGHT way and turning it around backwards.

Rose giggles into her hand. Karkat storms out of the back of the stage. "God damn it Terezi! Why did we even put you on stage crew! You're not even wearing black! Everyone is supposed to be in black!"

Terezi tilts her head in Karkat's direction stepping back from the now wrong tree. "I'm blind Karkat, remember? It's not MY fault you didn't come help me pick out my clothes! No You sent VRISKA! You honestly expected Vriska to pick out the right clothes? If that's what you honestly think then you are guilty of stupidity!"

"How the fuck was I supposed to know Vriska wouldn't help! She promised she would!" Karkat scowls as he rights the first of the two trees.

"Guilty~" Terezi purrs out in a singsong voice wandering off the stage. Rose giggles again. Karkat glares at rose before fixing the other tree and storming off stage.

Rose composes herself and turns back to the mic.

_Red told his brother he would be going on a trip for his dear friend Jake then began his adventure into the forest._

Dave wanders onto stage stopping in the center to stare at the trees. "Who the hell painted the set this stuff looks like shit."

"Dave don't turn your back to the audience."

"Oh come on Rose I just went over this with Jake. There is no audience. The audience is like your heart. It doesn't exist." Dave walks closer to one of the crudely painted justice trees. "Now this, this horribly painted monstrosity. This exists. Who really wants to be in a play with scenery like this?"

A plush dragon comes flying from off stage heading straight for Dave's face. He ducks to avoid it and turns with a satisfied smirk to the direction it came from. Only to get a second dragon's butt connected with his face. The dragon falls to the ground along with his sunglasses.

Rose begins giggling behind her hand again as Dave moves his hands up to cup his nose. "I think you broke my nose!"

Terezi stands on the side of the stage just in sight grinning like the cheshire cat. "Justice is served."

Dave scowls pulling his hands away to check for blood. Sure enough his nose was bleeding quite effectively. "My nose is bleeding. Rose she made my nose bleed stop laughing at me."

Rose doubled over holding her hand over her mouth unable to control her laughter. Little snorts filled the air as she lost the fight to stop.

"Oh my god Rose." Dave leans down and picks up his sunglasses and one of the dragon plush toys. He tosses it at Rose. Rose catches it with simple grace as she wipes a tear from her eye and calms her breathing.

A bright eyed girl with uncontrollable red hair in a poofy black dress with pink shoes and pink framed glasses skips onto stage holding a first aid kit. She skips over to Dave reaching just below his shoulders.

Dave leans down so it's easier for her to see. "How bad is it Feferi? It's broken right? It's like Karkat's heart after confessing to John. Like Gamzee's ability to produce good music. Like-"

"Dave you're already bleeding is it really so wise to pick fights with others?" Rose states in a condescending manner.

Feferi giggles as she pokes at Dave's nose. "Whale it's not broken! You've just gotta plug up the bleeding! We can't have red spewing out so much red!" Feferi giggles at her own joke as she pulls some gauze out of the first aid kit and rolls it up.

Dave sneers down at Feferi's hands and stands up straight. "No way, Striders do not walk around with things stuffed up their noses. That is not cool. That is the exact definition of uncool. That is so uncool even Dad Egbert would find it ironic. Not happening."

Feferi sighs and rolls her eyes. "Fin then! At least tilt your head back you're dripping on the stage!"

With a shake of her head Rose sighs. "We'll take a break. But only until the bleeding stops."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade has a big mouth.

The curtain remains open throughout the 'bloody nose break' so when its time to start again Rose simply comes out onto stage and begins.

_Red told his brother he would be going on a trip for his dear friend Jake then began his adventure into the forest._

Dave walks out onto the stage and stands in the center. "Now what?"

"Walk through the forest Dave."

"I'm IN the forest Rose. Can't you see me here chillin' with the trees of justice and honk? We're chilling like Russia in winter!"

Rose shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "Walk around between the trees and do circles until I tell you otherwise."

Dave raises a brow at Rose, who raises hers in return propping a hand on her hip and waiting. "Fiiiine." Dave whines and begins weaving around between the fake trees circling around the stage.

_Shortly after entering the forest Red comes across a hungry wolf._

An asian with flowing black reaching just above her waistline and large round glasses comes skipping onto stage excitedly. She's wearing a black long-sleeved turtleneck shirt and black pants with white fur going from her elbows down to cover almost her complete hand and from her knees down to touch the floor, Her head was graced with tall white ears and a matching tail swished behind her as she skipped along. "Bark Bark!"

Dave snorts. The girl stops in front of him and excitedly keeps barking.

Rose giggles. "Jade sweetie you're supposed to be a starving wolf not an attack chihuahua."

Jade stops barking and puffs her cheeks out at Rose. "Wolves bark too!"

Rose composes herself and gives a motherly smile to Jade. "lets just follow John's script so we can get this done before we run out of room on the camera."

Dave jerks his head over to stare at Rose. "There was a script!? How come Jade got a script? I'm the main character! Don't you think it's important for me to know what's going on?"

Rose turns a stern look to Dave. "You don't need a script Dave, just follow my instructions. It's not like you would have read it even if we had given you one."

Dave pouts and Jade pokes him in the ribs with a braces-filled toothy grin. "Don't worry Dave there's a reason you didn't get a script it would ruin the surprise!" Rose jerks to glare at Jade who quickly covers her mouth.

Dave's eyebrows both raise. "what surprise."

Rose clears her throat and turns to the microphone. "let us continue!"

_The wolf was obviously starving, and Red looked like a great way to solve that problem._

Jade start circling Dave. "Hello human who weaves through the trees, what brings you into my land smelling so delic-"

"What surprise." Dave stares down Jade.

"Surprise? What surprise? no one said anything about a surprise!" Jade nervously tugs at her collar and chews on her lip.

"What surprise Harley." Dave moves in closer to the now fidgety Jade.

"I... I don't know what you're talking about! There is obviously no surprise k-" A blur flashes across the stage and a leather clad hand clamps over Jade's mouth.

The newcomer stands tall, Dave only reaching to his shoulders, and he wears a white tank top, ripped up black jeans, and a white hat on his head. His eyes were covered by pointed triangular sunglasses. "Now Jade if you tell him it won't be a surprise."

Dave growls up at him. "Someone is gonna tell me whats going on or I'm out."

The man leans down around Jade, his hand still clamped over her mouth. He stops with his nose nearly touching Dave's. "Dave." His voice now holds a deep rumble of warning. "I suggest you forget you heard anything about a surprise."

Dave gulps but doesn't back down. "Bro, why are you even here?"

Bro smirks. "I was called in to make sure you behave and do as you're told. You don't want me to have to MAKE you do as your told. Do you Dave?"

Dave scowls. "Fine. But this surprise better be worth it."

Bro's smirk grows and he stands up straight moving his hand off of Jade's mouth. "Good boy." He pats Jade on the head then hops off the stage disappearing into the audience.

Rose looks smug as she practically purrs out. "Well then, shall we continue?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone found the fast forward button.

Jade nods to Rose and starts circling Dave again. "Hello human who weaves through the trees, what brings you into my land smelling so delicious. Do you perhaps have a treat for me?"

Dave glances out into the audience then back at Jade. "I've got this shitty ass excuse for soup here I'm supposed to give to cougar grandma to make her feel better."

Jade giggles a bit. "Soup you say? To grandmother in the woods? That's such a long way! Why don't you leave the soup with me and I'll take it to her myself! I'm a wolf you see, so I'm much faster than you!"

Dave snorts and leans in close to Jade putting his lips right next to her ear. "I'll race you to the finish line, wolf. The winner gets the prize."

Jade grins putting her hands behind her back. She leans back on her heels, then forward to her toes before slowly moving around Dave. "A race it is. See you at the finish line." With a wave she skips off stage.

Dave turns to raise a brow at Rose.

_Red knew he'd have to use his brains to defeat the wolf in a race._

A snort sounds from the audience.

Rose glares out at Bro, her angry purple gaze pointed right at the camera.

So Red took a small detour to the bird's n-

"I'd rather just race her and skip all of this."

"Dave it's in the script!" Rose scolds her hand on her hip.

"We all know that no matter what I do the wolf will still be at the house first so let's just get to grandma so I can give her some love." Dave wiggles his brows.

"John worked hard on this the least you could do is let us-"

"No its okay." A boy peeks around the curtains at Rose. His hair is tousled in an obvious attempt at mastering the 'bed head' look. He is wearing thick framed glasses and his blue eyes sparkle in the stage lighting.

"See that Rose, he doesn't care. His care for skipping ahead is even less than the pants he's not wearing." Dave's smirk is smug as he watches John's cheeks turn bright red.

Rose raises a curious brow and steps around to see behind the curtain. "Oh my goodness John. You're in your underwear."

John wraps the curtain around himself, flashes of bare chest now visible to the camera. "I was in the middle of changing into my costume!"

"I like this costume you should keep it all the Egbert." Dave grins and lifts his shades up to wink.

John's eyes widen his whole face bright red.

"Oh my god this is so fucking stupid!" Karkat's curses ring through from backstage. "Stop hiding like a woman and get some damn pants on John if we're skipping ahead that means your scene is coming up lets go! Sollux shut off the lights! Tavros close the damn curtain. I can't believe we're changing the whole fucking story just for him."

The curtain starts to close, the part wrapped around John clung tightly to his chest until Karkat walks out and rips it out of his grip.

The curtain closes completely, and everything goes dark.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the audience has some fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to do lisps.  
> I'm sorry.  
> I seriously think these two would be like the best of friends.
> 
> also....  
> DAT ASS.

A Spotlight comes on in the center of the stage. The curtains are still closed but movement can be seen from the other side. Vague hints of arguing and cursing.

The curtains part and a black clad butt and pair of Violet shoes pop out, slowly scooching backwards obviously on hands and knees towards the edge of the stage.

"NICE ATH AMPORA!" A cackle comes from somewhere around the camera.

"I donno..." Bro's voice fills in with a chuckle. "It could be a little more round."

The wiggling butt stops sliding backwards and jerks back inside the curtain. A brunette head with a streak of violet in the front peeks out of the curtains. His thick-framed glasses taking up a vast majority of his face as he scowled out towards the camera. "The face thure could uth thome work though." Another cackle.

The scowl deepens to a frown as a tan hand comes out of the curtains and blesses the camera with a wonderful view of the purple painted nail and shining gold ring of his middle finger. Both Bro and the heckler laugh as the head disappears behind the curtain.

The curtain rustles again.

Karkat storms out and points a red glare up at the light, moving his hand to attempt to shield his eyes from the bright assault. "SOLLUX STOP FUCKING AROUND AND SHUT THAT DAMN LIGHT OFF UNTIL I SAY WE'RE FUCKING READY!"

A snort. "Yeth thir." The light starts to dim and Karkat turns to go back behind the curtains.

Bro chuckles. "Do you always follow the orders of angry midgets?"

"How can I not with an ath like that."

A pale hand pops out of the curtain the baggy sleeve flipping back as he extends his middle finger into the dimming light. Both voices in the audience burst into laughter again as the lights go out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide and Seek and Social Justice.

The curtains start to open and the lights slowly transcend into brightness. Rose walks out of the opening and with a happy wave walks along the curtain to her microphone stand again.

The stage is set to look like the inside of a cabin. The floor is covered in green carpeting, a plush green chair with a redwood table sit on the left side next to a floating door frame. On the right side sits a bed with the lumpy shape of a body lying in it, a table next to the bed holding an empty glass and an alarm clock. There is a fake fire roaring in a fake fireplace in the center of the stage and various paintings of flowers dangling down to represent hanging on the walls.

"Sorry for the wait! This scene is the hardest to put up due to the carpeting, but grandma enjoys the plush carpet on her feet!" Rose clasps her hands at her chest and slowly lowers them.

_Red arrived at Grandmother's house without a problem._

Dave trudges onto the stage and bangs on the door. "HEY GRANNY I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU MY SPECIAL MEDICINE!"

_But no one answered at his knocks._

Dave knocks on the door again then tests the knob, it opens easily and with a shrug he trudges in leaving the door open behind him.

_Worried for Grandmother Red quickly made his way to the bed and shook her sleeping figure._

Dave sets the basket down on the table next to the chair and saunters over to the bed with a smirk he grabs the corner of the blanket and yanks it back.

A frozen wooden face stares up from a pile of pillows shaped to look of a human body. The painted blush on the puppet's cheeks glowing in the bright lights as its jaw slowly opens up and its head turns to face Dave.

Dave screams and flings the blanket falling back onto his ass. He scrambles backwards across the carpet smacking against the chair.

A round of laughter fills the area. Rose giggles behind her hand, Karkat calls Dave a 'fucking wimp', Bro chuckles out a 'good one Cal', Sollux turns the spotlight to shine on the puppet snickering as Dave keeps trying to back up.

A Taller pale boy with what can only be described as 'rich boy' styled brown hair comes on stage. He's wearing a black turtleneck that seems a tad too small and skinny jeans with red shoes. His red eyes stare down at the bed for a moment then over at Dave. "This is too far!" He calls out. "You all know the fear of puppets our friend Dave holds and yet you do this to him. Jokes have their limits and you obviously crossed the line. How can you live with yourself watching such a cool kid break into a screaming mess near tears because of your jokes? Do you think its funny? Do you think yourself a trickster? Wish to have some sweets to celebrate your wonderful attempts at torturing this poor scared soul? You sicken me! You should ne-"

"Kankri!" The boy jerks to stare to the left as a tall girl sashays onto the stage. Her curly black hair flows behind her as she makes her way across the carpeting stopping next to the preaching boy. With the help of her heels she was slightly taller than him. She narrows her perfectly made-up jade eyes, her pierced brows slanting in unhappiness, and purses her plump jade lips. Her long sleeveless black dress settles around her as she crosses her swirl-tattooed arms. "How many times do I have to tell you not to interrupt important things with your social justice schtick."

Kankri practically pouts at her as he moves his arm to signal the puppet on the bed. "But Porrim! This was done on purpose to torture him! I could not let that pass! Look at him."

Porrim raises a delicate brow and glances over at Dave who sat panting behind the chair. She rolls her eyes and turns back to Kankri. "Just because other people can interrupt John's plan doesn't mean you can! I taught you better than this young man. How do you think John feels right now knowing you'd rather sit out here and ramble on about how wrong everyone is instead of let him pull through with the plans he's been working so hard to put together. You know how nervous he is!"

Kankri bites his lip and looks down in shame. "I shall go apologize to him at once." he mutters out and shuffles off stage. Porrim turns to look at Dave again as he peeks around the chair. With a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head she struts off stage after Kankri.

"Dave it's still just a puppet." Rose uses a mother like voice as she peeks around the corner at the hiding boy.

Dave points a finger around the chair at the bed. "That thing is alive! It's been haunting me my whole life and you know it! That thing is possessed by the devil!"

A blonde with spiked up hair wearing a white muscle-tee and tattered well worn jeans hops onto the stage from the audience. He grins over at Dave and walks over to the bed. "Cal! I was wondering where you got off to. Hey bro! I found Cal!"

"Cal always was good at playing hide and seek!" Bro calls back from behind the camera.

The new boy grins and picks up the puppet draping him over his shoulder. "Looks like you won this round Dave."

"Dirk, please take Cal and go back to your seat. I would like to finish this play sometime tonight." Rose said behind an amused grin.

"Sure thing Rose. Can't ruin the big surprise." Dirk smirks down at Dave and makes the puppet wave at him. "Lets go watch Dave continue to make a fool of himself." He hops off stage and disappears off the camera.

"You have to admit though Dave. If you were watching someone else flip out like you just were you'd find it hysterical."

"Only in the most ironic way possible." Dave glares over his shades at Rose.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story actually gets somewhere!

After a few moments of Rose reassuring Dave that his brothers will not be bringing Cal back on the stage he stands up and comes out from behind the chair brushing off his cape. 

Jade skips onto stage wearing a black shirt and gun-print pajama pants and snuggles into the blankets with a grin. Rose shakes her head and goes to the mic to begin.

_Worried for Grandmother Red quickly made his way to the bed and shook her sleeping figure._

Dave drags his feet across the stage obviously bored of all of this and shoves Jade. "Wake up already."

_Red could not tell that the wolf was not grandmother._

Jade scowls at being shoved and sits up.

"oh granny! What asian eyes you have." Dave says in a bored tone.

"Dave!!" Jade purses out her lips and hits him with the pillow. "Do it right!"

A smirk starts to spread onto Dave's face, obviously getting his second wind. "And granny! what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with!" Jade says putting the pillow back.

"Hey granny, you a furry? Cuz I could totally get into that with you. Maybe you could dress up like the cougar you are and we'll have a little yiff?"

Jade turns bright red and grabs the pillow again winging it at Dave's face. He ducks the pillow and it hits one of the paintings, causing it to break off the rope and shatter to the ground. All three turn to look at the mess and shrug at the same time. Dave continues.

"So granny about those teeth, they're pretty sharp, ever thought of some bite play?" Dave wags his eyebrows at Jade who impossibly gets an even darker shade of red.

_The wolf lunges for Red excited for it's meal._

Jade dives off the bed sliding across the stage when Dave sidesteps. He grins at her as she turns and flings herself at him again, once again missing. Rose shakes her head and keeps the story going as Jade continues to try and catch Dave.

_Hearing from the bird that Red was walking into Danger the Baker's son came running._

John walks on stage wearing a blue button down shirt and gray pants, patches sewn onto the elbow of the shirt and one of the knees. He kicks the stage prop door open a large blue toy hammer balanced on his shoulder. "Don't worry Red! I'll save you!"

Dave turns to raise a brow at John. "Not like I need much saving here." Jade, using the oppertunity pounces forward tackling Dave face down on the ground. 

"Ha! I got you!" she calls out with a huge excited grin.

_The bakers son raised his axe and with one smooth chop cuts open the wolf saving Red and granny who was trapped inside!_

John swings his hammer bopping Jade on the head with it. She flings back dramatically and disappears behind the bed. An older woman stands up from behind the bed, her long black hair had a light sprinkling of gray and was pulled back into a braid. She wore the same tank top and pajama pants as Jade. Her bright green eyes sparkled in the lights behind her small rectangle frame glasses.

_Grandmother thanked the baker's son for saving her, and Red for bringing her soup and sent them on their way back home. Not wanting to get them sick!_

The older woman grins and walks over dragging John into a suffocating hug. "Thank you so much John! You saved me from that naughty wolf!" John gasps for air when she finally releases him. She reaches down and yanks Dave up like he weighs nothing and grips him in another tight hug. He flails and escapes her binds hiding behind John. She laughs and ushers them off the stage as the lights go dim. 

The curtain closes and Rose slips off behind it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the play.

The curtain opens into the forest scene again. Rose pops back out onto the stage and stands at the mic. "I bet you thought the play was over!" she gives a coy smile.

Dave appears around the curtain in a flurry of speed. "What do you mean? It's NOT over?"

Rose giggles and pokes Dave on the nose. "Of course it's not! You still haven't gotten your surprise Mr. strider."

"Oh!" Dave grins and shoves Rose towards the Mic. "Then lets get going!" Rose laughs and begins.

_Red took his time walking back home with the Baker's son._

John walks out, hammer propped on his shoulder, and grabs Dave's arm leading him around the stage and weaving through the trees.

 _Grateful to the Baker's son for saving his life Red decided it was the perfect time to confess the feelings he'd been hiding for many years. With a thank you kiss._

"WHAT!?" Dave jerks away from John and turns to Rose. Fury all over his face. "That is not a funny joke Rose. I'm not gonna kiss John! He's my best bro! Don't use this play to fulfill your wild story fantasies!"

"Oh for the love of god!" John slams the hammer down with a thud and stomps over to Dave. "I spent months writing this play and hundreds bribing people to be in it. But all you've done nothing but pick fights with everyone in it, constantly bickering and whining! You even cut out a giant chunk of the middle!! And then in the final scene, THE WHOLE REASON I WROTE THE PLAY you say NO!? Oh No! Oh HELL No! I am done with this! No more beating around the bush!" He grabs the red cape and drags the shocked blonde forward. With quick hands he rips the sunglasses off of his face and plants their lips together. 

Cheers and wolf whistles sound out throughout the stage. And a few choice curse words from Karkat. John shoves Dave away and glares down at him. "You have to make everything difficult Dave. Don't you?" Dave just stands speechless, his face turning the same bright shade of red as his eyes.

"I think you broke him." Rose walks over and pokes Dave in the arm. He jerks away and stares wide eyed at the two of them. 

"What... the.... FUCK!?" He finally screams out. "You threaten me to be in this stupid play. Make me go through all this crap without a script. And then you KISS ME!? What the hell is even going on here!?" 

John scowls. "You owed me. You obviously had fun doing it. AND I LIKE YOU OKAY!?" John blushes and looks down at his hands, fidgeting. "I really really like you Dave. I couldn't think of any other way to tell you."

Dave blinks slowly. Opens his mouth. Shuts it. Opens it again. "oh...."

Rose smiles and steps off of stage. Dave stares at the blushing fidgety John, then out at the camera. Then back at John again. His face turns from confusion to extreme Strider confidence and he steps forward grabbing John's collar and pulling him down into a quick kiss. "As far as confessions go, yours is very unique. May I suggest next time you want me to know how you feel you just say so the normal way? Like this: John, I really really like you too, I have for a long time, and I want that camera off now so I can show you without an audience."

"Your wish is my command little man." Bro's voice rings out from behind the camera and Cal's face takes up the whole screen before it blacks out.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a sweet finish

The tv sparkles with white noise as the two boys snuggle on the couch. "Do we have to watch this every year Dave?"

The blonde looks up with a mischievous sparkle in his bright red eyes. "Of course we do John. It's a memory I never want to forget. The happiest moment of my life."

John shakes his head and kisses Dave lightly. "Happy 13th Anniversary Dave."

"That's all fine and Dandy." A high pitch voice rings out from the floor below them. "But why do I have to watch it with you?" Both boys turn to look at the now standing girl. She looks to be about seven, her blonde hair in a braid hanging down her back. She's wearing a pair of Khaki pants and a red shirt with a music note on it, a familiar pair of Aviator sunglasses perched on her nose. 

"Because Dove. If it weren't for that play we wouldn't be a family." John grins as she scowls propping her hands on her hips. "Now stop pouting."

She sticks her tongue out at them both. "Striders DON'T pout."

THE END!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh thank you all so much for reading! I'm so glad you liked the story!! It was so much fun to write for you! I'm hoping someday to do more fairytale remakes, if you have any couples or fairytales you'd like to see done send me a message on my tumblr SuccubustyKisses.tumblr.com.
> 
> I LOVE YOU GUYS! <3


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